So the neighbor's kids got 5 helium balloons stuck in MY tree...what kind of legal action can I take against?

Where ya from buddy, laws are very different in different countries. In the USA and Canada, I believe slandering your reputation is only unlawful on a mass media outlet; though a good lawyer may make it plausible given the situation. As for the tree business...they have to legally take it down or pay for it to be taken down. You are not an expert and if you hurt yourself while trying to fix something they've done you can't do anything about it. Make it clear to them that they need to act like adults and clean up after themselves or their kids if the kids are incapable of doing so. If they refuse, you need to take action. Not much you can do about them telling you to f off on their property though. Then again, I don't know what "hate crime" is defined as where you are, so being called gay can be used against them as well, provided you have proof.